November 4, 2017 By erin 1 Comment

The Real Way to Reach Your Goals

In my job, I work with people who want to affect change in their lives. As a counselor, I can point you toward thousands of articles, in which you can follow 10 steps to this and 7 steps to that. I can link you to blog and books and podcasts (which I am freakishly fond of) but I am going to let you in on a little secret.

There are just two steps to reaching and all goals.

Yes, 2. Zwei. Deux. Dos.

If you are truly ready to change your life, here you go. This one is on the house.

(Shameless plug alert – if you are still in need of a little assistance, you can always reach me for a virtual appt. at HigherHopesCounseling.com.)

Assuming you are wanting to move forward and not remain stuck let’s dive right in. No time like the present, right? First, envision your goal. Where are we going? To which harbor are we headed. I need you to close your eyes and see your goal, draw it out, write it out, speak it, whatever your style of getting it out there is- do it now. Do you want to lose weight, gain confidence, stop negative self-talk, walk away from an unhealthy relationship? Where ever we are going on this journey, I need you to envision it.

Now get yourself something on which you like to make lists and we are going to make two lists.

List #1- to meet your goal, what do you need to do MORE of?

Example – I want to move away from a friend who takes a lot from me and never gives in return.

So, on my list, I write:

I want to meet more new people,
I want to spend more time with my family and
find more classes or activities on my own, without this friend.

It is important that you give yourself real options and don’t overwhelm yourself. Pick two to three and make sure they are realistic. We have to move away from fictional thinking about our lives if we are going to see and be a part of real change.

Now, List #2 – make a short list of two to three things that you want to do LESS of.

On my list, I could write:

I want to call this friend less often,
I could make sure to go out with her less, and
I could design my week to have less friend time in general as I make time for the family instead.

Then, and here is the hard work, go do more and less. That is it. So it really isn’t that hard at all. Yes, there are other things we can do, but essentially this is the core of all change. Do more of what is good for you, less of what isn’t. When we are faced with changing our lifestyle and habits, trying to think through so many maneuvers can be very difficult. Focusing on my Less and More Technique puts you on the path to immediate change. These are changes to can feel right away, which makes the immediate gratification need in all of us very happy.

These baby, bite-sized nuggets will move you forward to tangible changes that you can see, feel and appreciate in your life. If you do them long enough, if you don’t cave to temptation or guilt, you can achieve whatever you set your mind to do. If you do experience a setback, then just re-apply your Less & More once you have picked yourself up and are ready to try again. Revisit your simple lists and get back on track.

I would really love to hear what you are trying to accomplish in this life of yours. Don’t be afraid to mail me or to comment below. We can be sending you light and love and surround you with prayers for the road. And as you progress, share your journey so that others that may need your inspiration can run alongside you!

Happy Changing!

October 28, 2017 By erin 1 Comment

Why I’m not going to church this Sunday.

I am not going to tell you where I go to church, so that you can, possibly, see yourself in this post. I think it is important that you don’t know if I go to a small, or large, or perhaps a medium-sized church. I think if you know what the preaching and the music are like, then you might form an answer to my proposed dilemma before you hear me out. Here’s why:

Last Sunday, while at church with my son and his friend, as we were sitting in the back row, watching hands held high and truly amazing voices lead us in worship, I realized that if were to drop dead right there on the floor, they’d have to look at my wallet to find out who I was. (Yes, I am aware that in my scenario my son was there, but let’s pretend for my argument here, that he is not.)

I’d think your first inclination here would be to ask why I am not more involved so that others would know who I am? That is a good question. Well, missy, or sir, I am involved. I serve in the children’s nursery. I serve in the setting up of the service before anyone else has even had their coffee and the obligatory free donut. I tweet back and forth with the pastor’s wife regularly when I am moved by a section of the sermon and I even recognize some of the other congregants from around town. But, right there, in that moment, in that typical service, all eyes are on the performance at the front and no one has a clue who is standing beside them in the aisle- family excluded.

That bothered me deeply but it didn’t grow into the need for this post until I saw a disparaging difference of ministries. On that same Sunday, I headed down to the local community center to volunteer and low and behold, I was greeted by everyone in the building. They were so genuine with their welcomes and hellos, and, not one person had been assigned to be a greeter in the process. No one here was sent to a training on how to greet a fellow Christian as they came through the door. If I was to drop dead on that linoleum floor, they’d know exactly who to call and they’d be able to tell them my name without looking. Why is it different? I think it is because we view people differently when we view our work as a true mission field. When your work is about growing a group of people who are here to love and serve then we do our very best to make sure they are bonded and known. When the purpose is to create a series of activities and programs, our sight is lost on the agenda. We forget the hearts sitting in the pews.

“we view people differently when we view our work as a true mission field”

This has been my issue with church in America ever since we got back from the mission field. Everything here is prescribed, taught, trained and is a “function” of the service instead of a natural outpouring of love for the others that show up. I love going to church in Germany because there is always a coffee and cake time at the end of the service, it’s just a time to hang out and talk with those who came to service. Plus, I love coffee and baked good so it is truly a win-win. In the middle of the service, people bring “greetings” from the places they’ve traveled to and share prayer requests and praises with the congregation. Yes, it makes the service longer, but everyone knows who is who and where they’ve been and what they need and what they are praying for. Case in point, they know each other. I am part of our church’s prayer ministry. I get daily emails of who needs prayer. I love it. I love taking the needs of others to the altar of our Lord. Sadly, I have no idea who is in this ministry with me. Not a single soul. It is all online- email only. Once again, if I keeled over while reading that Betty-Jo needs prayer for an upcoming bunion removal operation, not a single soul in my church would know. There is something horribly wrong with that.

I am all about this new era a tech. I love having the world at my fingertips but the church cannot get lost in this see of 0000’s and 1111’s. I am convinced that if I stay home and watch my church on TV, I’d have the exact same experience as going to the actual building. I can also pray from my computer as I read the emailed list of needs. I can watch the sermon from my smartphone. I can even worship over the podcast.

Now, to those of you in ministry and the few others of you who still have one of those magical, mystical congregations where people know each other I say two things: thank your God for that, it is not the norm, and maybe, double check that everyone in the place is having that same experience as you. I know that there are some people in our church who fill a room and everyone knows them. I know that if you are on staff, that gives you a pass to being at the center of the service. But, what about those who serve and attend and are doing life right alongside the hundreds of other people in the same church that couldn’t utter my name to save their lives. Nor, could I, their’s.

Church leaders, I challenge you to stop the service for an entire five minutes (scandalous, I know) and let the people in the rows just talk to one another. Give them a question prompt or a funny sentence to finish when meeting new people. Let them get to know who they attend church with, every single Sunday.

Truth is, I don’t know many pastors out there that are willing to let the clock run on such an endeavor. I served in leadership and planning in plenty of stateside churches and I know that the idea of releasing the reigns is so ridiculously, preposterously scary for most preachers that what I am suggesting deserves a good old fashion burning at the stake for heresy.

Folks, we have lost touch with what worship is about. It is a time to focus on God and then in that natural outpouring of love and gratitude, we should turn to one another and share. Share our love, conversation, greetings, encouragement, hugs, handshakes, smiles and more. When no one knows the person next to them, it is impossible to do any of that. I seriously doubt that in the early church, they went into evening worship sessions in secreted homes and didn’t know the name of the brother or sister next to them.

So that’s it, then? You just throw up your hands and walk away?

No, probably not. I am a trooper and I will most likely find myself back in the same halls, serving and worshiping and trying to find a way to connect on a deeper level. I am not the type to give up. Though, I know that I will be disillusioned and probably feel that way until every activity that takes place on church grounds is not filled with planned activities and agendas and presentations. Sometimes, people just need space to grow in. In advertising, we are told, “don’t be afraid of the white space.” That means, sometimes you just let the story tell itself and not every inch of the space needs to be filled. In counseling, we are taught not be afraid of the silence. Sometimes, people need some fresh air and space filled with their own actions.

Maybe, in church, we need to go back to our roots and let the story of the congregation unfold? Maybe, we could let the people that are dedicated to the tithing and the serving and the giving be a part of the story as more than just attendees in the well-oiled presentation? Maybe, as leaders, let go of the reigns and leave the stage long enough to do more than shake people’s hands as they come in and leave the service? And maybe, just maybe, we can get rid of the greeter’s ministry altogether. What do you say to building up the natural response to what one should feel when another believer, or better yet a seeker, walks through the front door, or sits her and her family in the back row?

I say, let’s take a moment and see who they are, and let them do the same.

July 2, 2017 By erin 1 Comment

500, twenty-five thousand, 600 minutes…of Patience.

As many who follow the Lord know, patience is one of those things He likes to teach us through long periods of waiting. One year of waiting doesn’t sound like a lot on paper, but when you are the one with your heart hanging in the balance, it seems like all clocks have stopped.

One year ago, on precisely June 30th, I sent an email to a certain overseas realtor and told him I was interested in a house listing. Since I was already borderline obsessed with the idea of having a haus to go “home” to, just waiting for his email response was torture. Thank goodness, Herr Moeser didn’t put me through that pain and answered me right away.

‘Dear Good Mrs. Kincaid,

Yes, the house is still available. Let’s talk next week.’ (loosely translated)

Next week? NEXT WEEK!!!! I thought I would die over the weekend. I thought my heart would truly explode. Thank goodness I had my German friends in the same house with me so I could eat copious amounts of bratwurst and saukraut with no shame to ease my anxiety.

It didn’t. But I didn’t die either.

I called him the next week and set up all the necessary appointments to see the house (through Jac’s eyes and her diligent Facebook videos & pics) and to make the big decision. Mid-July, after our friend Berdnt, called from the haus and said, “If you don’t buy this haus, I will”, I said the magic words, “We’ll take it.”

You know the rest.

But the waiting. Oh, the waiting. It has been the bane of my existence. I have tried every tactic to learn how to be more patient; to learn how not to obsess over the thing I long to see more that anything. I don’t know if I have learned more patience, or if patience has been thrust upon me, but I did make it the entire year. No heart explosions or dramatic deaths caused by the incessant ticking clocks that remind me of how slow time goes when we want, need or are begging God for something.

What I have learned is this: I am not God. I am not in charge of this. So, I can loosen my grip and trust His process.

I have learned to trust His timing. Tucked away in that space of trust, I have come to a place of peace and yes, patience. My heart still pounds with anticipation at the idea of seeing our place for the first time. I lie in bed most nights Pinterest-dreaming of fabulous ideas for the renovation.

But, it didn’t make it go any faster. And, neither did God. He has a plan and His watch runs differently than mine (backward I think, or maybe more like a Salvador Dali clock, melting as it ticks away…) No matter- I choose to trust. I choose to believe that He is moving mountains (Swiss perhaps?) I believe that He is building bridges and parting seas and all those promises He gave us in His Word. So, that is where I have camped out for the last 367 days.

That is where I will camp out for 12 more until the big reveal. We leave in 7. One week. The same amount of time it took Him to create all of the Universe. I am pretty sure He is doing amazing things even in these last seven days now. A quick Parisian stop to grab some baguettes and cheeses and we will head over to the mountains of former East Germany.

After we fly into Amsterdam, and a quick 3-day Parisian stop to grab some baguettes and cheeses and we will head over, via train, to the mountains of former East Germany.

Then the waiting will come to an end. And, a new season will begin.

I wonder what He will teach me then? Pretty sure patience is still on the list.

June 22, 2017 By erin Leave a Comment

Waiting to Resting

I am a big fan of the work that the women at Persimmon Prints do and I have received their permission to share a couple of their blog posts with you.

If you would like to learn more about their mission and ministry, you can visit them through my Shop page and click on the Persimmon Print logo.

How Waiting Led Me to Resting

We don’t like waiting, do we? Whether it’s in a line, at the doctor’s office, sitting in traffic, or being left on hold, we become easily agitated and impatient. What’s worse is we act as if such inconveniences give us a free pass to project our now foul mood on whoever crosses our paths.If this is how we are affected by the relatively small occurrences of daily life, no wonder the big things really rock our boats. You know, the waiting on God things? Those things that consume our thoughts and can change the trajectory of our lives. Perhaps it’s waiting for Mr. Right, a job offer, a promotion, a pregnancy, a test result, healing, the conversion of a rebellious loved one, the depression to lift or a longing to find purpose. Whatever it is, it is hard to wait.

But have you ever asked yourself why? Why waiting makes you so stressed, anxious or fearful? Why you can’t be okay in the midst of the waiting? And what would that even look like?

Giving Up Control

Over the last few years as I’ve wrestled with these questions I have come to realize that my problem with waiting is really a problem of who is in control. I say I trust God and believe he will work all things for good, but the truth is I don’t trust him very well. What I really believe is I have a superior plan and know better than God what is good. My plan would require no waiting and consequently no stress, fear, or unanswered prayers.

The waiting for months on end to hear back from the publisher about my first book proposal would’ve been eliminated with an immediate positive response.

The church-plant we moved out of state and out of our comfort zone to start would’ve smoothly expanded from the start. There would’ve been no rollercoaster of intermittent despair, or wondering and waiting to see if God would build his church.

The like-minded friends I longed for would’ve always been present instead of me lingering in loneliness.

And certainly, for my daughter, there would’ve been no waiting for relief and healing from her long battle with an eating disorder and depression. There would’ve never been this struggle at all.

These are some of my recent things. We all have our stories, big and small, of what we’ve endured (or are still enduring) waiting for God to act. How easy and stress-free life could be, we think if only we were God.

But as God has been chipping away at my heart that yearns to run the show, I’ve come to see my angling for control as sin. It is not easy to call it for what it is, but it is necessary and good. He could’ve made us instantly holy upon salvation, but instead deliberately left us in sin so we could see our deeper need for a Savior. He could’ve also blessed us with the perpetual happiness we want, but instead, he shows us through trials and suffering that in him alone is our hope, and even in the waiting there is joy.

Could it be then that it takes “waiting” to see more of God’s goodness?

Not Giving In To Fear

In my growing realization of my true condition and seeing his grace toward me in spite of it, I am learning to trust him better. And in the waiting, he is teaching me what it looks like not to give into fear.

Did you know “Do not fear” is the most given command in Scripture? Clearly, God knows our tendency to forget he’s got us in his hands. To forget that in him we are not only secure, but he has our best. So over and over again we are reminded of this truth in his word.

But in our waiting and wondering if there is an end in sight or if our circumstances will ever change, how is it possible not to fear?

What God has been showing me is himself. He is the answer. I know that sounds cliché, like a Sunday school answer, but with my eyes fixed on him is the only way I can stand secure even in the seemingly unending waiting moments of life. To get this straight, I must dwell on the one story of the Bible; the unfolding story of a conquering king who came to rescue and redeem his people. Who he was for Israel – faithful, patient, long-suffering – despite their sin and circumstances is who he is for me. He lived the perfect life for me and went to the cross on my behalf so that God’s love for me would be secured for all eternity.

Who he is for me is the foundation of my peace that surpasses understanding and the solution to my fear. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).” Perfect love – the answer to my fear, anxiety and waiting – is only found in Jesus.

Waiting on and Resting in Him

Practically speaking what this looks like – the living without the fear, the resting and waiting on him – is not a one and done sort of thing. No, I still fear and feel stress. I still hate to wait on the Lord and try to control things myself. I still struggle with his goodness to me. And because this is true, I must constantly hear the good news of the gospel of who he is for me (not to be mistaken with good advice on how to live the better Christian life). I need the word about Christ preached to me and I need to preach it to myself. I call this my gospel self-talk.

We all talk to ourselves throughout the day and whatever it is we say easily and quickly becomes our reality. So the only way I will ever be okay with not being okay, be able to experience joy in the midst of hardship, and be still in times of waiting is to flood my mind with Christ. Who he is for me is who I am. This matters – daily. When I forget is when I crumble under the weight of unknowns, the whys and the waiting of this world.

But when daily doses of gospel self-talk seep into my heart and I remember who he is for me that is what I cling to so I can rest in him even in the waiting. If we could just hold on to that and know in him is truly where life is found.

I now have two published books and my daughter is (mostly) in a better emotional and mental place than she was. Having been delivered to the other side of waiting with both these significant and consuming issues has been a relief that I am thankful for. But neither one had the power to completely satisfy. There are still other things I’m waiting on – the continued growth of our church for one and on some days to know I have a friend who cares. If those are ever answered in the way I want, there will still be something else that burdens my mind. So I’ve come to see the answer to waiting is not as much in the end result as it is learning to rest in him.

Who he is for me is the anchor for my soul, and the answer to my anxious heart.

KRISTEN HATTON is the author of Face Time: Your Identity in a Selfie World for teen girls and the teen devotional, Get Your Story Straight. Kristen discovered her passion for teaching, speaking, and writing about grace and growth in the gospel through many years of leading a teen girls Bible study. She resides in Edmond, Oklahoma with her pastor husband and their three teenagers. To learn more, visit www.kristenhatton.com.

June 20, 2017 By erin 3 Comments

#Depressed. #Lifted

I have been AWOL for a few weeks. For the three people, who I am sure one is my mother, that read this blog- I apologize for my respite. I have been in a funk. I think it might be mild depression but I have never been depressed before, so I am not sure. I know that I have felt listless, yet my heart races; confused, yet I have less on my plate than ever before. I am a counselor and I know it is good that I feel like this, it helps me understand and relate to my clients that much more. But here is the deal- I just don’t do depression. I don’t. It goes against everything I am made of. I was once told I am manic-happy. I think it was an insult but I took it as the opposite. I am happy, most days. My whole life I have loved the happier side of life. Once I met Jesus, then it really pushed me into a great space.

When someone is depressed, they ruminate. Rumination is when you think about things over and over and over. When you cannot stop yourself from thinking about it and it becomes habitual, that’s rumination. I like to ruminate, but not on things like my own feelings of lethargy. When I mull, it’s on things like revenge or an ending to a fabulous book. I get sad like everyone else, but I am a writer and when tears hit, I usually find a journal or a keyboard on which I can chicken-peck my way through my thoughts. But, depression is all about rumination. When one is depressed, you think only about yourself and your present crappy existence. Why is this like this for only me. Life is so unfair. When will I catch a break? When will the answer I need arrive? It is nothing but a big fat time of dwelling in our own mess.

Like any believer that is depressed, I have been praying that this fog would lift; that the anxiety would diminish. To boot, the worry that accompanies depression chokes the will to get up each day right our of your body. For me, the worst thing I can not do is not write. I have to tell my stories. I have to speak. When I am not, I die inside. So not wanting to get out of bed is dangerous territory for me.

While reading Steven King’s On Writing late last night, I realized that I may hold the trick to my very own therapy. It wasn’t so much of what King says as what he just leaves lying there in the pages. He wrote through alcoholism, the death of his mother and near poverty. He was always writing. Not because it was required extrinsically with a book deal or word-count deadline, but because it was intrinsic. He writes because that it is his superpower. The very thing about feeling depressed is that it takes away the thing you were meant to do.

This morning, I stumbled across a video about activism. The speaker gives his recipe for activism in the culture he wants to strengthen. I listened deeply to his message: The thing you are told is most wrong with you, is the source of your greatest power in activism. Like King’s superpower.

I sat in that for a bit.

If my greatest power is Christ and the biggest thing wrong with me is that I “talk too much”, then, is my ability to speak, write and ultimately self-heal built into those two things?

I have not written in almost a month. With that knowledge, I get a little bit sadder each day. Why can’t I type any words? Why can’t I think of anything to say? Why am I not recording my podcast? Why am I not talking too much? The very thing that is my greatest weapon is what feeling depressed has taken from me.

I have to be my own activist. So today I ruminated on what I have just told you. If the enemy’s weapon starts with removing your greatest power, be it painting, writing, singing, hiking, preaching, serving, teaching… then maybe that is exactly what you should be doing.

The Old Testament, which my alter-ego gangsta self-likes to refer to as the Big O.T., tells several stories about depressed people. The weeping of David, the heart-ache of Nehemiah, and don’t even go into Job without a box of tissues. But there is one line in the O.T. that sums up a response to those feelings of despair that trumps all others.

“…Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up?” Gen. 4:5-7. Translation? If you do better, you’ll feel better. That is the core of that Scripture.

If I do better, I will feel better.

So today, I am up early, though I wanted to pull the covers back over my head. I am sitting here, chicken-pecking out my innards for the three of you to read. I am hoping that this message will help someone else remember their greatest power and pick up the paint brush or the pen. I am working through the lethargy and chest weights to do better.

And you know what, I am feeling better already. Maybe it’s the word purge, I don’t know, but I honestly feel as though one layer of despair has been lifted. If this is the case, and God’s Word is actually right, then the next steps of my day, and every day, need to be pointed outward. Depression wants me to face inward. It wants me staring at all my troubles from a thousand different angles. God wants me to look out, around, and up towards the world around me, and He wants me to do something with what I see. He wants me to do better, so I can feel better.

So checklist for today:

Write – done.

Help someone else- On it.

Feel better- already on my way.